The Battle Continues…

If I could type a big sigh that expressed the true deepness of the sigh I have had for the last 24 hours I would. Needless to say I am devastated. I went on a two day “vacation” Thursday morning to Saturday afternoon, and when I got home I noticed after giving Cody all the love I missed giving him for two days, that his glands are swollen. Very much so. And all of them.

The cancer is back….

I just don’t understand. I am dumbfounded. So very very sad and upset. I have been crying now for the last 24 hours trying to reason why this happened in two days of absence. I am trying not to feel that this is my fault for leaving him, but the thought had crossed my mind prior to leaving. Pets always get sick when you are away. And as you know I have not left his side since his diagnosis last September. Regardless that he was in the best of hands staying with good friends who he knows and his little girlfriend Sheriff. I am sure he missed me and I am sure it stressed him out. I don’t know… again I am trying not to feel like it is my fault.

I called Dr. Butzer yesterday as soon as I felt the glands. I can feel two marble sized balls on both sides of his neck, four total. I can not feel his shoulder glands but his hind glands are large too. And they are bigger this morning than last night. So I left a message for Butzer to call me back and he did around 9pm last night, still at the hospital.

We talked about options, maybe a bit more chemo or there are some pills I can give him that may knock it back again. He said usually they get a year or two after the round of chemo we just finished. I just do not understand. So I am taking him over to see him at noon today. It is not even 8am now… I did not sleep at all. I had horrible nightmares when I did get some sleep about cancer and putting him down and burying him and all these things I am not ready to think about. While laying awake all night after reaching over just to make sure he is breathing, I could not stop thinking about the silence of my house and life without him. I was not ready to think about this again. It just seems so unfair.

And I am TRYING not to think of these things since he is still right here, currently looking at me with his new gator toy right at his chin. I just can’t help the overwhelming sadness that is surrounding me right now. I tried. I really tried Cody. I have not given up but I am not sure I can put him through much more. I still remember my promise.

When Jimi woke me up at 6 am I also realized that Cody was gagging. He puked as soon as he woke up on his bed, and I got him outside to finish. Ugh… He seems fine now but I only gave him half his usual amount of food just to be sure.

I love this dog. I am heartbroken that we are dealing with this again so soon. It seems cruel. “they normally get a year”….

I will write again after our appointment with Dr Butzer. The battle continues….

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~ by Michelle Sammartino-Zeto on July 31, 2011.

2 Responses to “The Battle Continues…”

  1. Oh no! I’ve been reading your blog since December 2010. I hope everything goes well for you both today. You have done so much for Cody, much more than many people would. He is one lucky dog!

    I can relate to your feelings as my dog was diagnosed with cancer in January 2010 and underwent chemo until this past June. It is just a time filled with constant ups and downs.

    Thinking of you.

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