Far Under The Weather…

I think I have mentioned this prior but among all my other hats, I work a very part time retail position with very scattered hours. With nothing scheduled for the majority of the week I was home all week long doing freelance stuff, painting a new commission, getting a tattoo and hanging with the boys. Everything was fine all week long. I was scheduled for a five hour shift Saturday morning and of course that very morning, Cody wakes up feeling awful. It is absolutely amazing to me that this happens only on the weekends. Always.

He is lazy getting up, gagging a bit but no puking, walking like his body hurts and showing no real interest in any movements I am making. VERY odd. So of course just like the very day before, I felt him all over but especially his neck. And there the little bastards are. They were not there yesterday! NOT AT ALL! So I feel his other nodes and there they are too. Honestly I am just dumbfounded at how fast and aggressive his cancer is. It makes me so angry that I have to make this decision now… I am not ready. And the decision is… do I get him the last round of Doxyrubicin which really kicked his ass last time? This is the last time he can have it… is it worth putting him through it? For who’s benefit?

Well he may in fact be answering my question for me right now. He feels terrible. And boy is it obvious. He laid around all day with his little buddy right by his side. The good signs are he is eating, peeing and pooping. All things that if he were not doing would be worrisome. Especially the eating. We have been through that before and noone likes being force fed peanut butter! Ok maybe some of you freaks do… but Cody does not.

Needless to say the entire time I am at work yesterday I was consumed with worry and could not get out of there fast enough. When I got home he did not run to the door to greet me. He did slowly get up off of his doggie bed and walk over to say hello after I was already getting changed. No hop in his step… not real interest in what I was up to. I got some peanut butter out to see if he would perk up, which he did for a bit but as soon as I put it away he laid back down and went to sleep. And sleep he did…. ALLLLLLL DAY…

  

The ONLY time I got a rise out of him was when as a test, I mentioned the BALL. The magic word! Then he rallied and pranced around the living room a bit and followed me at my heels until I told him no… and he laid back down. I didn’t mean to trick him but like I said it was a test to see if he would rally. He passed.

All night he slept. He did eat dinner but immediately went back to sleep. I stayed home all night to hang out with him and watch him… he laid at my feet on the Captain’s Chair and slept while I watched movies and read. He peed and pooped before bed and we went to bed.

This morning same thing. No interest whatsoever in getting up, what I am doing, what the cats are doing. He woke up with a long shoestring of drool hanging out of his mouth, and eyes kind of weepy. I have noticed him drooling quite a bit the last two days. I fed him and he ate it all with no hesitation, which is a very good sign. Now he is laying on his dog bed in the porch with me as i type this looking at him. I called Dr Butzer and left a message to see if he thinks we should try a round of antibiotics. I am just not sure what happened…

  

I am trying to think back… did he eat something funky? Maybe while running Friday morning? He did step on something that cut his toe but it was so minor that I doubt that is it. Did he eat something in the yard? Catch a cold somewhere? Or is it the cancer infesting some part of him that I can not feel? The gagging made me think that possibly the glands were swollen enough to block his airway a bit, but they are not that big yet. Although… as crazy as this cancer is, I felt them double in size as the day progressed yesterday.

All of this is on the heels of one of my reader’s dogs being put down on Friday due to stage 4 lymphoma. Meadow went through the ringer in a very short amount of time and that is not lost on me as I look at how long Cody has been in treatment and doing so well. I am very lucky… I have the most wonderful and compassionate Vet I could find, and I am not ready for things to change yet. Change is scary and I am not sure I will ever be ready for the last of our fight. But when I see him feeling this badly I know it is all about him. Not me. And just like Meadow’s Dad, I need to keep it all in perspective and let Cody go with dignity. And keep my promise to him. And I will.

And no I am not getting ahead of myself. He is still ok and this is not the worst it can be. He is still eating. I am staying positive and loving him every minute, here and now. If one thing this last couple weeks of nostalgia and delving into the past has taught me is that every experience, every person, every love is a lesson and they all leave you a gift. Good and bad it is all a gift. And it has all made me who I am today. I needed to go through all that I have and will to make me who I am meant to be in this life. And who that is is still being formed and determined. And there are many more lessons to be learned.

As it should be…

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~ by Michelle Sammartino-Zeto on April 15, 2012.

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