Breaking Down?

It has been a weird couple weeks of Cody ailments. It started as I mentioned prior with him really feeling down and out on Saturday. It was a bit frightening as he has never really, for no apparent reason, been sick like that. There was no chemo involved. No odd snack. No over exertion. Just out of the blue he was completely unavailable, distant, exhausted and looked awful.

Sunday he perked up a bit in the afternoon, of course this is after I called, picked up and paid $54.00 for some antibiotics from Butzer. Murphy’s Law right? Butzer prescribed him an antibiotic Cephalexin at 500mg twice a day, Diphenhydramine HCL which i believe is just a fancy name for Benadryl, at 25 mg two tablets twice a day (so 50mg doses due to his size and weight), and lastly Tagamet at 300mg twice a day to stop the gagging and calm his stomach. I started him on these Sunday night but as I said in the afternoon he started to perk up noticeably. I am still bothered by what could have caused such an obvious beating in him out of the blue.

Anyway it seemed he was fine on Monday morning… so I watched him as much as possible and kept him on the regimen. Tuesday he was going strong, back to normal but his glands are huge now. I really think from watching him that the glands in his neck physically bother him when they are large. It seems like he has trouble swallowing sometimes. This could also be me making myself crazy. Regardless on Tuesday I called to try to make an appointment with Dr Butzer to possibly get the last chemo treatment, or at least check him out and talk about it or other alternatives. Scary stuff… They had nothing available but told me to come in this morning, Wednesday, before 9am and they would fit me in. Then in the evening when I got home from work I was playing with him and noticed his penis looked incredibly red. I had him lay down and flipped him over to see that the tip of it was actually bloody. Of course I panicked thinking he was peeing blood or it was some sort of nasty discharge, but on closer inspection it looks like a sore. It looks just like the sore he had on his elbow (only not as swollen) and the ear situation two weeks ago too. Which is another ailment I forgot to add to this list until just now.

I think this is the Leukeran. He is done with Leukeran. I hate it and it does nothing but cost me a ridiculous amount of money. Executive decision… we are done with Leukeran. Don’t let the door hit you in the…….

See the thing is, this drug was supposed to give him more time in between gland issues/chemo treatments. It did nothing of the sort at all. And if anyone were on a nasty pill that I am not even supposed to touch with bare fingers, every other day for months on end… am I crazy to think this would not take it’s toll?

Done.

So we woke up this morning and he hopped on the bed and was his normal lovey self with all the kisses in the world and some hugs to boot. I fed him his regimen and his food, he ate it right down. I was doing some clean up around the house and yard a bit while enjoying my coffee in the garden… Totally uneventful morning. He laid around the house watching me. Totally normal.  Around 8:30 I decide it is time to get ready for the Vet. He follows me into the bedroom and I am getting changed… one leg in my pants and he starts gagging and walking towards the slider. I drop everything and open it as fast as possible, he walks onto the patio and pukes up his entire breakfast, pills and all.

Ugh…

Needless to say I canceled our appointment and asked for the Dr to call me when he can. No chemo today obviously. Again is he telling me he is done? Do I trust my instincts or do I over think this? Anyway I will try again on Friday morning before work or Monday. Not sure how his glands will be over that amount of time but if he physically is not up for such a hardcore treatment what choice do I have? The decision is being made for me. And I am not going to spend the money for an investigative Vet appointment when we are not going to do anything to really help him. He is already on antibiotics… what more would they do besides run expensive tests.

He has cancer. What more do i need to know?

I am beginning to get scared now that this is what the end starts to look like. And I hate typing that, tears springing into my eyes as I think it making it hard to continue. But the reality of it is that there is no cure for this. I know we could not continue on like this indefinitely. Although to look at him after the puke fest this morning he looks and is acting absolutely fine. That makes it that much harder. HE LOOKS FINE! HE ACTS FINE! It makes me want to fight… how can I not continue to fight? But realistically how long can the fight go on?

So there it is… that’s where we are. Lots of over thinking and vacillation… lots of internet research… lots of soul searching. Most of all lots of time with the boy and lots of love going on in this house.  I am consciously not going to focus on endings, but just be present here and now just like he is. As I finish this entry… I think back on where my thoughts have been lately, and I truly believe Michael was an “angel” the universe sent to me at the right time to prepare me for something… my thoughts keep drifting back to him as a source… an inspiration… thinking about him and the last few weeks of digging up the past tense…

Lots and lots to ponder…

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~ by Michelle Sammartino-Zeto on April 18, 2012.

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