Dignity…

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My heart is heavy… I see no signs of Cody improving and it weighs on me more than I can say in words. I remember my promise to him that I will not at all prolong his suffering for my benefit. This is all about him…

He is weak, not eating and has not since Monday night. He IS however drinking water on his own and eating ice cubes, as well as an IV a day with vitamins. If I play with a tennis ball he is totally interested to watch, but has no energy to move. This morning was awful as I had to carry him outside to pee. Once he was out there though he walked around and sniffed, pooped and peed.

But regardless how good and positive some signs are, the negative outweighs them all. He is weak, not eating, his penis growth is huge, his butt is bloody and the growth there is visible. He pants constantly and his breathing is very labored at times. I found two more lumps on him, one in his groin that is large and on a human would seem like a hernia, and another small lump near his right armpit. He has the red streaks on his belly that Doc says is inflammation from the lymphoma. He can not stand up on his own without help getting his feet under him and it takes every bit of energy he has to walk anywhere. and his breath smells like serious sickness.

I am waiting for Dr. Butzer to get here, he is making a house call for my sweet boy since there is no way I could get him to the hospital. He is bringing the vaccine, more fluids, an antibiotic as a possibility and to take some blood for a CBC. But mostly to evaluate him to guide me in the decision I will need to make very soon.

And I feel like this is imminent… I do not see any signs of improvement… There are small peaks and valleys in this deep valley we are in right now… But they are not high enough to give real hope…

Some things however, resonate through the fog… Like the tennis ball. Priorities y’know…

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As always I will keep you posted. Keep my boy close to your hearts right now… He needs it… We both do. I find myself going from sad to scared to complete misery and fearing the emptiness his absence will bring. He has defined me so much in his short time in this world I am not quite sure who I was before and who I will be after him.

But I mostly fear that soon enough I will have plenty of time to think about this and find out. And that makes me sad most of all.

My sweet baby boy….

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~ by Michelle Sammartino-Zeto on June 28, 2012.

6 Responses to “Dignity…”

  1. My heart is breaking for you and with you. It’s so hard to know what to do. Whatever decision you make, it is the right one. You have done absolutely everything possible to save your heart dog.

    Blessings to you both,
    Lynn & Casey (Lymphoma 3-7-12, just turned 7)

  2. My baby Raven passed away from cancer around christmas 2010. she was diagnosed 5 years before and had a mammorary gland removed. they told me it was going to come back and it did. 5 years klater I to had to make a difficult decision. it was the hardest one I have ever had to make. My heart and prayers are with you and Cody right now. I have read your blog from the beginning and I know how hard you have fought. I feel like I have been there with you.. this is something that is probley one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to make in your life..god bless you and Cody and I am sure he knows how very much you love him!!<3

  3. Don’t really know what to say to comfort you. I’ll say a prayer. Feel your pain from reading all your tweets and know your trying everything to save Cody. Don’t ever blame yourself for not doing enough or maybe trying to do too much. Your doing what’s in your heart. Maybe down the road you will get back to doing A Jammin Jazz podcast. You were great at that.

    Stuart

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